Well, it appears that one of my screenplays, Elsewhere, has received some great feedback from the script readers at the Slamdance Screenplay Competition. The problems with the script appear to be minor and I already have some ideas to remedy them rather quickly. Some issues are as easy as just inserting a line of dialog in the right place.
Slamdance provided some excellent feedback and while it costs a little bit of money to have comprehensive coverage done, it’s a useful tool in getting your script polished and up to speed.
Here’s the feedback to give you an idea of what to expect.
Evaluation:
“Elsewhere” is a novel concept and story centered on people, like principals Lange and Vanessa, who get gratification from self mutilation. We see realistically develop in the story how the lives of such people can be destroyed by the repugnance such desires engenders in the people around them, a distaste almost as bad as that for cannibalism. In attaching to Vanessa Lange begins to exhibit the same predilection. The title of the script, “Elsewhere,” is creatively apt as it describes people whose gratification is achieved by such unconventional means. Their tastes are “elsewhere.” Ostracized as these people frequently are by family, friends, colleagues and superiors, they can easily become “elsewhere” in the eyes of society. Unknowingly Lange has hooked up with a woman who was once the victim of child molestation, the prosecution of which was handled by Lange’s wife, Nan. Nan appears in the story to have been devastated by the whole affair. Though it is not made sufficiently clear in the story the superb plot implication is that Nan prosecuted the wrong man for the abuse of Vanessa and that the mistake was never rectified. Vanessa’s uncle was blamed when, in fact, the abuser was her own father, a powerful and politically connected man who escaped prosecution through influence and patronage If, in fact, that is the intent of the story then, of course, Nan may be criminally liable along with her superior in the district attorney’s office to the extent either of them knowingly conducted such a prosecution. Furthermore, this plot point or concept is an excellent one for a separate story about Vanessa and the outrageous conduct of her own father willing to frame his own brother to escape criminal penalties. It certainly works in this story on the basis described above; it’s a great plot point generally.
What works:
Principal characterizations are outstanding. Despite their reviled means of gratification, Lange and Vanessa are thoroughly credible personalities. The script presents the truth that people with bizarre means of gratification can in other contexts appear perfectly normal and even talk like an office colleague or a next door neighbor. But, the story goes even further: Such desires can develop to a point that they do severely and adversely impact upon a person’s life. In Lange’s case he loses a good job; Vanessa quite logically and admissibly commits suicide though her death is not the direct product of her desire for mutilation. In her case the mutilation was another outgrowth of the abuse she suffered when she was a child or teenager. This is all very vivid and valid from a story standpoint. It also makes the story a very unusual and remarkable tragedy. Dialogue is generally uncommonly good, especially the often brilliant exchanges between Lange and Vanessa. They really shine as dialogue proceeding from two people whose self destructive impulses unfortunately complement each other to the ruin of both of them in one way or another. We have already noted the very strong plot point (relating to Vanessa) that her father was her abuser, rather than the uncle who was unjustly prosecuted. This concept is well complemented by the emotional and professional devastation suffered by Nan which is so intense she can no longer function at the professional endeavor for which she was trained and where her career experience lies. Nan’s characterization is the essential narrative bridge between the self mutilation content of the script and the function of the afflicted characters as human beings who must function in normal contexts.
What doesn’t work:
The only issue we have with the script has already been expressed. We understand the accidental connection of Lange with Vanessa who was long ago connected with Nan. However, we are not sure from reading the script whether our conclusions fit the writer’s intent. Did Nan knowingly or unknowingly prosecute the innocent uncle? Was Vanessa, in fact, abused by her father, rather than the uncle? Or was she abused by both, with the father escaping punishment? These developments are not clear upon a straight through reading of the script as they should be. We need scene content that makes the answers to these questions clearer and more concrete than they presently are. As it is the script leaves us with difficulty understanding precisely what it is that caused Nan to resign (or was she dismissed?) from the district attorney’s office. We simply need character actions that result in dialogue that makes these vital points clear and comprehensible.
How it can be improved:
This analyst suggests that the most satisfying resolution to the questions raised above is for Man to have resigned because she found out after the uncle’s prosecution succeeded that Vanessa’s father had also molested Vanessa. However, because of the father’s influence Nan’s superior refuses to allow the father to be prosecuted. Nan resigns from the D.A.’s office and this precipitates her descent into depression. We can therefore also readily understand why when she tries to return to her job her superior refuses to have her back. Nan’s superior might take Nan aside in private where they discuss the reason behind her resignation. This would appropriately cue the audience as to what happened to cause Nan’s departure, ennobles her character without making her party to a cover-up of a fraudulent prosecution of the innocent uncle and helps reinforce Vanessa’s connection to Lange’s story, maintaining both Lange and Vanessa as principal characters in a unified narrative though we have two characters each with separate lives and coming out of separate story lines. Double check any story points that are not currently categorically clear. If a character needs to explain something in unambiguous terms then, by all means, have the character do so.
Next step:
This script has excellent major and minor characters, a great plot concept and other elements for a fresh and engaging drama. The necessary constituent scenes and characterizations are already there. All that is required to make this an attractive piece to industry decision makers is to reinforce plot developments as suggested above.
As you can see, this is a script with vast potential. Hopefully the quality of the work is enough to shoot me over to the next round. While I don’t think I’ll win the grand prize, being one of the 0 finalists would be nice but you never know and I’ll keep plugging away at getting my work out there.
Till next time ladies and gents.
